Last vid, I promise- on Tosh.0, Daniel Tosh attempts like, every internet challenge whilst smoking/having smoked salvia.

It makes me really happy and jealous. And driving drunk is dumb, but so is getting in strangers’ cars, chicas.

And sometimes cab drivers let you smoke.

Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea, this is the most amazing hookah pipe I’ve ever laid eyes on. Sleek. Silvery. Grown up. Portable. A conversation piece. Tiny, manageable, and comes standard with two mouthpieces. Like for a date. A sexy date. How lovely… From the site:

But that’s not all, it also comes with an elegant and beautiful carrying bag so you can take it with you to the next dinner party you are invited to and show off your cool. In any case, here’s some tech info you might find relevant and convincing, in case the gorgeous design hasn’t won you over yet:

Body and handle of narghile in solid polished pewter, brilliant nish-Burner made of hi-tech ceramic. Pipe made of aeronautical polyamide treated with Te on.

2 mouthpieces made of culinary standard nacrine (i.e. synthetic mother-of-pearl).

Tongs for tobacco and charcoal - Carrying case.

I love subtle threats. A razorblade hoodie, handcuffs dangling from a delicate chain… add these stunning AK-47 ice bullets to the list. Do I even need to expound upon how they’d be better in the bedroom than those clunky cubes?

• Smoking- In addition to my beloved Djarums, I am also digging these weird Springwater cigs. Smoking is so underrated.

• Trader Joe’s- It’s like someone hosed the place down in awesome and win. Tarte d’Alsace and some two buck Chuck makes you almost feel not-poor for like, fifteen whole minutes. Truffles for under $3. Real instant mash. Natural beauty supplies. If only they added house brand valium and vicodin and staffed it with teenage brits, I’d never leave.

• Queer as Folk reruns on Logo- anyone who hates on touchy touchy boylove needs to watch Brian and Justin dancing at the prom. I can’t think of anything more romantic in the history of romance ever.

• My imaginary boyfriend- is he real? Even I’m not sure anymore but I’ve still never seen anyone cuter. If I’m remembering right.

Leading me to…

• Hitachi Magic Wand- It’s just so powerful, I might have to tell my roommates I use it for old car accident injuries. Every time Boondock Saints is on, my back just starts acting up. Especially during the outtakes.

• Jesus Christ it’s a lion, get in the car! Please, God, let the internets stop producing memes so I can get some sleep.

• Leisurewear- It’s gotten to the point where my one career goal is to be able to wear sexy sweats and sleek sneakers. Career garb is so awful in so many ways, it always feels dirty.

• Jay-Z’s American Gangster- I think this album is gonna give The Black Album a serious run for its money in the long-term. Yeah, I said it. Fucking genius, this is.

• On Demand Programming- why can’t the fuckwits who are responsible for cable make one that fucking works already? I’m paying $3 a month, and I want to watch Hookers at the Point for the sixteenth time. Damn you, iO.

• My car- Newark is so fucking weird- I can leave my easy-to-park-in space and be in the Holland Tunnel in ten minutes. You can’t even get from Tillary Street to the Manhattan Bridge in that amount of time, who knew? Anyway, driving stick in Jersey traffic is scary, but now I have a Beetle again.

• Scrabulous- Eamon playing “VAGINA” for twelve points, shocking only that it came two whole plays into the game.

• Burger King pranking customers- you mean other than serving them Burger King food?

• My toddler versus my prized possessions- this pint-sized terrorist has a knack for destroying electronics and media in seconds, while you’re just trying to form the “nuh” in “no.” Then she manages to turn on the waterworks and make you feel guilty.

• Jack White- sexy, cheeky, mysterious, and tall. Considering all that and the hair, I’d marry him like, right this second.

I have a massive passion for historical vice.  I must have seen everything in the Hardcore History series at least twice.  Something about the idea of a history uncovered by accident, not archived on purpose- it’s like a secret we’re sleuthy enough to find out.  Sin in the Second City: Madams, Ministers, Playboys, and the Battle for America’s Soul looks fascinating- a historical view of the battle between wealthy vice purveyors and puritans in one of the naughtiest eras in American history.  From BN.com:

Step into the perfumed parlors of the Everleigh Club, the most famous brothel in American history–and the catalyst for a culture war that rocked the nation. Operating in Chicago’s notorious Levee district at the dawn of the last century, the Club’s proprietors, two aristocratic sisters named Minna and Ada Everleigh, welcomed moguls and actors, senators and athletes, foreign dignitaries and literary icons, into their stately double mansion, where thirty stunning Everleigh “butterflies” awaited their arrival. Courtesans named Doll, Suzy Poon Tang, and Brick Top devoured raw meat to the delight of Prince Henry of Prussia and recited poetry for Theodore Dreiser. Whereas lesser madams pocketed most of a harlot’s earnings and kept a “whipper” on staff to mete out discipline, the Everleighs made sure their girls dined on gourmet food, were examined by an honest physician, and even tutored in the literature of Balzac…

Does anyone else wanna smack someone when they see that?  If you’ve borne a child at any point in your life, it should be illegal to call you a slacker, ever.  But lots of mommies still love their vices, as evidenced by this cute kids’ tee.

NYT via Lifehacker- decent wines under $10!

Casa Cadaval Portugal Ribatejano , $8.99, ***
Domaine de l’Ameillaud France , $9, ** ½
Viña Gormaz Spain Ribera del Duero , $9, **
Georges Duboeuf France , $9, **
Altas Cumbres Argentina Mendoza , $9, **
Wyatt California Cabernet Sauvignon 2005 , $10, **
J. Vidal-Fleury France , $10, **
Domaine Monte de Luz , $7, **
Ravenswood California Vintner’s Blend , $10, **
Paringa , $9, * ½

The Trader Joe’s Pound Plus chocolate bar* is such a godsend to the stress eater.  Kind of like a large, flat, tasty brick, this inexpensive but indulgent treat is a good tool for bouts of wallowing in sadness or fear.  My boyfriend broke it up into pieces because me biting into a bar of chocolate roughly the size of my head was unnerving.  Eh, I find it comforting.  Maybe he was afraid it would suffocate him when he was sleeping.  Not that farfetched, since I did cuddle with it every night.

From Urban Dictionary:

Vice Vixen is going on vacation! While I won’t be able to abandon you totally, I will be on a limited posting schedule. Probably 5-7 posts weekly. So don’t despair, oh three readers of mine.

But I’ll be doing field research! Drinking, smoking, getting it on, and tearing up the countryside with a very cute boy. Think of all the stories I’ll have when I get back!