I have a well-documented addiction to Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi, and I’m convinced if mother nature made milk it would taste like that. It’s the most delicious fizzy beverage known to mankind today.

I also wear red lipstick. And I hate stuff floating in my drink like those gross grease slicks that come from pizza. Ew.

I was pretty jazzed to find these fancy glass reusable straws with carry-cases today. Glass would certainly feel nicer to drink from than that flimsy plastic that sometimes get holes and ruins your entire soda drinking experience. Totally want.

Seriously, I’m not kidding. How can Trader Joe’s be so good and so cheap and so awesomeriffic? These Veggie Masala burgers (I believe I mocked my roommate for purchasing them on one of our shopping trips but later snuck them in my cart) are really easy to heat up and super, super tasty. And potatoey. And curry-tasty. What else do you need to hear?

I absolutely have to own these amazing bowls.  I didn’t really think bowls could be improved by a stem, but this is genius.  Not only are they aesthetically enticing (bowls!), but the stem is a boon if your mom, like mine, insists you have a hole in your lip.   And it even affords you privacy if you don’t want people’s eyes all over your Boo-Berry.

• Smoking- In addition to my beloved Djarums, I am also digging these weird Springwater cigs. Smoking is so underrated.

• Trader Joe’s- It’s like someone hosed the place down in awesome and win. Tarte d’Alsace and some two buck Chuck makes you almost feel not-poor for like, fifteen whole minutes. Truffles for under $3. Real instant mash. Natural beauty supplies. If only they added house brand valium and vicodin and staffed it with teenage brits, I’d never leave.

• Queer as Folk reruns on Logo- anyone who hates on touchy touchy boylove needs to watch Brian and Justin dancing at the prom. I can’t think of anything more romantic in the history of romance ever.

• My imaginary boyfriend- is he real? Even I’m not sure anymore but I’ve still never seen anyone cuter. If I’m remembering right.

Leading me to…

• Hitachi Magic Wand- It’s just so powerful, I might have to tell my roommates I use it for old car accident injuries. Every time Boondock Saints is on, my back just starts acting up. Especially during the outtakes.

• Jesus Christ it’s a lion, get in the car! Please, God, let the internets stop producing memes so I can get some sleep.

• Leisurewear- It’s gotten to the point where my one career goal is to be able to wear sexy sweats and sleek sneakers. Career garb is so awful in so many ways, it always feels dirty.

• Jay-Z’s American Gangster- I think this album is gonna give The Black Album a serious run for its money in the long-term. Yeah, I said it. Fucking genius, this is.

• On Demand Programming- why can’t the fuckwits who are responsible for cable make one that fucking works already? I’m paying $3 a month, and I want to watch Hookers at the Point for the sixteenth time. Damn you, iO.

• My car- Newark is so fucking weird- I can leave my easy-to-park-in space and be in the Holland Tunnel in ten minutes. You can’t even get from Tillary Street to the Manhattan Bridge in that amount of time, who knew? Anyway, driving stick in Jersey traffic is scary, but now I have a Beetle again.

• Scrabulous- Eamon playing “VAGINA” for twelve points, shocking only that it came two whole plays into the game.

• Burger King pranking customers- you mean other than serving them Burger King food?

• My toddler versus my prized possessions- this pint-sized terrorist has a knack for destroying electronics and media in seconds, while you’re just trying to form the “nuh” in “no.” Then she manages to turn on the waterworks and make you feel guilty.

• Jack White- sexy, cheeky, mysterious, and tall. Considering all that and the hair, I’d marry him like, right this second.

The Trader Joe’s Pound Plus chocolate bar* is such a godsend to the stress eater.  Kind of like a large, flat, tasty brick, this inexpensive but indulgent treat is a good tool for bouts of wallowing in sadness or fear.  My boyfriend broke it up into pieces because me biting into a bar of chocolate roughly the size of my head was unnerving.  Eh, I find it comforting.  Maybe he was afraid it would suffocate him when he was sleeping.  Not that farfetched, since I did cuddle with it every night.

From Urban Dictionary:

I’ve always had a jones for industrial stuff- restaurant ware, vats of ketchup, anything you need a special license or card or blagging skills to buy. I immediately fell for these super sturdy, school issue tables. Not only for their hardiness and super-stealiness, but also because they’d be perfect for playing tie me up detention.

…courtesy of Gridskipper.  The best ice cream in New York.  I can sadly confess to only having sampled one (Emack and Bolio’s), but it is damn good.  Where’s Il Laboratorio del Gelato?  No honorable mention for Rice to Riches?

you know you need one.  I can’t talk, I order in like, three meals a day.

I am just getting my socialization on this weekend in a hardcore way.  I:

1. Celebrated my main gay’s 21st birthday;
2. Met my Snopes friends and got sassed by an inattentive waiter (by proxy);
3. And have a date at the Waldorf-Astoria tomorrow.

I sincerely hope to be back in one piece on Monday.

Courtesy of my very wise (and how much more supportive can you get than forwarding your assistant links for her smut-blog?) boss is this very cool link to sexy, dark dark dark chocolate with all kinds of healthy additives.

From the site:

…the Kuna Indians, who live on the San Blas Islands of Panama. These people have always had extremely low blood pressure and that it did not climb as they got older. In fact, they always remained in remarkably great health.

When the lifestyles of these people were studied, one thing stuck out. The Kuna living on the islands drank a significant amount of locally grown, minimally processed, high-flavonol cocoa.

Okay, can I just say I frickin’ knew it! In your face, smug-dietician-from-fat-camp. Chocolate is the key to longevity, and I’m attracted to the “Strumpet” variety, because I’m a naughty girl, and the Empress one, for tarot card reasons.

Strumpet contains cardamom and chili (spicy!) and Empress…

Empress actually contains real 23 karat gold to make you sparkle abundantly. Containing Etherium gold, which balances the brain hemisphere, and purple corn flour, which is ridiculously high in antioxidants, Empress bestows good fortune on all who enjoy her!